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Bust and Torneyboy get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt.


They crawl out of their cars and Bust says,â?ÂJust look at our cars. There is nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."


And Torneyboy said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.


And Bust said, "â?¦and look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."


And so he handed the bottle to Torneyboy. Torneyboy said he agreed, took quite a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back to Bust. Bust took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to Torneyboy.


Torneyboy asked, "Arenâ??t you going to have any?" and Bust replied, "No... I think I'll just wait for the police."

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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.


'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.


'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.


Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'


It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.


The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!


T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'


'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.


'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.


He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!


With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!


It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'


'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'


'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

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  • 2 weeks later...

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started anvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.


She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'


Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.


The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'


He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'


The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'


Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.


'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.


'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'


Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.


'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'


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Maybe not in the right forum but worthy of note.




(Couldn't get the pictures to come across)


The maths on the Paul McCartney marriage to Heather Mills is as follows:


After 5 years of marriage, he paid her £25m in a divorce settlement. Assuming he got an hour of sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which obviously would NOT have happened) it ended up costing him £13,699 each time!



On the other hand a call girl, an absolute stunner with a body like no other (sorry no picture), charges £2,000 an hour. For anything!



Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years and paid for an hour of sex every night for 5 years, it would have cost him £3.65m - that's a saving of £21.35m!!


Value added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees either.


Sometimes renting makes far more sense.

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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.


She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'


He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'


So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.


One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.


After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.


She said, 'That was incredible!'


He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'


So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.


After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.


He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'


'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!

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