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the "spreadeagled" made me remember this joke:



Superman and Batman ran in to each other, flying over Metroplis. Superman said to Batman, "you know, I was flying by Lois Lane's the other night, and with my X-Ray vision, I could see her lying on the bed spreadeagled, with the wildest expression on her face.". "Wow, that would make me horny" said Batman. "It sure did. So I flew down, right through her window and started shagging". "I will bet she was surprised" said Batman. Superman then said, "She was, but not as much as the Invisible Man".





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  • 2 weeks later...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?


Suzy raised her hand and said, I think it's your hands.


Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?


Suzy replied, Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.


What a wonderful answer the nun said.


Little Johnny raised his hand and said, Sister, I think it's your feet.


The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?


Little Johnny said, Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming.


If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.


The Nun fainted.

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Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.


One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"


So then the farmer leaves for the fields.


After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.


Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."


Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"


That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently.


Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"


She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence , says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."

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A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board bound for Chester Zoo.


They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they do not get there on time.


He decides to try to thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over. 'Where they going?' asks the Irish chap.


'Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me' says the driver, 'and here's a hundred quid for your troubles.'


'Happy days,' says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.


The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.


'What are you playing at,' he fumes, 'I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!'


'I did and we had a great time,' says the bemused Irish fella, 'but there's still fifty quid left so we're going to Alton Towers funpark nowâ??.


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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall


Humpty Dumpty had a great fall


The structure of the wall was incorrect


So he won a grand with Claims Direct.




It's Raining, It's Pouring.


Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.




Jack and Jill went into town


To fetch some chips and sweeties.


He can't keep his heart rate down


And she's got diabetes.




Mary had a little skirt


with splits right up the sides


and everywhere that Mary went


the boys could see her thighs.


Mary had another skirt


'twas split right up the front


...But she didn't wear that one often.




Mary had a little lamb


her father shot it dead.


Now it goes to school with her


between two chunks of bread.




Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.


Said Simple Simon to the pie man


'What have u got there?'


Said the pie man unto Simon


Pies you d!ckhead.




Mary had a little lamb


it ran into a pylon.


10,000 volts went up its @rse


and turned its wool to nylon.




Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie


kissed the girls and made them cry.


When the boys came out to play


he kissed them too cause he was gay.




Jack and Jill


went up the hill


to have a little fun.


Jill, the dill,


forgot her pill,


and now they have a son.




Jack and Jill


Went up the hill


And planned to do some kissing.


Jack made a pass


and grabbed her @rse


Now two of his teeth are missing.




Mary had a little lamb


Its fleece was white and wispy.


Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease


And now it's black and crispy.


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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.?


She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.?


The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.?


When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'?


Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.?

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'?


She hears the little boy continue,?


'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.?

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'?


As the mother began to smile, the child added..........?


'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'?


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> A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a

> glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I

> just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

> 'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. ''This is a special day for

> me...I'm celebrating.'

> 'This is a special day for me too...I'm also celebrating!' said the woman.

> 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

> As they clinked glasses he asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

> 'My husband and I have been trying to have a

> child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

> 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer, and for years

> all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized

> eggs.'

> 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

> 'I used a different cock,' he replied.

> The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence

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