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They walk amongst us ...




Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.



Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester?



Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with 'What A Wonderful World'?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you some clues - what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct - and if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?



Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.



Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what - Prison or The Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.



DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?



Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.



Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The...?

Caller: Mohicans.



Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the Middle.

Contestant: Is it five?



Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

A: Forrest Gump.



Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street ?



Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.



Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.



Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?



O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ...three?



Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ... Mexico ?



Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.



Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.



Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er ...

Wood: It's got two syllables. Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run.

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I ...

Contestant: Walked?



Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.



Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.



Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus


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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?â? asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for those 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".


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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'


Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'


One year Esther and Morris went to the fair. Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'


Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'


The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say a single word, it's fifty dollars.'


Morris and Esther agreed and climbed aboard. The pilot did all sorts of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.


When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'


Morris replied, 'Well, to tell the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out. But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'



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A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an

erection. The woman noticed his erection came over to him and asked, did you call for me?"


The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"


She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection; it implies you called for me."


Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.


Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.


"Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.


"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.


"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."


The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.


The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.


"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."


"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."


"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.


The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.


At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."


He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.


Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.


Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"






Moment's later; Seamus arrives at Connor Pass.


He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.


"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.


He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.


Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.


Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.


Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"






Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.


He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.


Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.


Once more Paddy shakes his head.


"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

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My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,




My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,




My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

in capital letters,




My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'


I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'



My condition has been upgraded from critical

to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.



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