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Auckland Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.


Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.


Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was on heat, and to make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.


While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Aussie lad and former Wallaby, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.


Graham, like most Aussies, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.


So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.


Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?


Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.


The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:


'First,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kiss her.'


'Secondly, you must never never tell anyone about this.'


The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, and then asked what his third condition was.


Well,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.



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Dress Code:


You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.


- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.


- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.


- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:


We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Personal Days:


Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.


Bathroom Breaks:


Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.


After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.


Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:


- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.


- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.


- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

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After digging to a depth of 1,000 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network 1,000 years ago.


So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug 2,000 metres and headlines in the U.K. papers read: "U.K. scientists have found traces of 2,000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1,000 years earlier than the Scottish."


One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 metres, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5,000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.â?Â

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