Jump to content

Any New Jokes


Recommended Posts

Jokes to offend everybody.



Why are women like clouds?


Because eventually they fuck off and its a really nice day.



I was at an ATM the other day when an old lady came up to me and asked me if I could check her balance.


So I pushed her over.



Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.


His dude replies 'You're so fucking lucky...mine is still alive...'



Zebo, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.


Give just a small donation of 2 dollars and ...... we'll send you the video, it's fucking hilarious.



My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.


We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.



A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got one minute to get out!'


The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cunt!'




Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest lazyphil

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.


The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."


"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.


"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.


"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"



"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"



"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."


The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.


So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.


The same thing happens for two weeks.


Then one day the circus comes to town.


The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"



"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."


So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."



"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"


"At the circus," says the barman.


"The circus?" repeats the duck.


"That's right," replies the barman.


"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"


"Yeah," the barman replies.


"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.


"Of course," the barman replies.


"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.


"That's right!" says the barman.


The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . . ..



.. ....... ..


"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"











Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dont know if it was posted here before, but here goes :


Dear friends,




You all know we work in the finance and banking industry... Herewith I lik to share with you some info how people cope with the financial crisis.






1. A trader: "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."


2. President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.


3. George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers. His thoughts at this time is to go out to their mother as

losing one son is hard, but losing two is a tragedy.


4. The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the right side nothing is right and on the left side nothing is left.


5. In math's there are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all sub prime.


6. How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.


7. What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.


8. Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.


9. For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland ? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...


10. If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas . If you want to trade in derivatives, God bless you.


11. What's the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker? A tie.


12. What's the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures.


13. Lehman have changed their recommendation on Lehman from hold to sell.


14. Forty years ago I sold fifty shares of my company stock and had enough money to purchase a brand-new 1967 Ford pickup.

Last week, I checked it out, and if I sold another fifty shares, Id have enough money to buy a 1967 Ford pickup. So, the market has stabilized





Link to comment
Share on other sites

In the spirit of the Gaza thread...




Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?'

The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."


Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"

"It me," replies the old man.


"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"


"Is simple", said the old man. Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?"


He say, "Moishe Plotnik."


Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"


I say, "Sam Ting."




Hetty has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees God and asks if this is the end. God says no and explains that she has another 30 or 40 yeas to live. As soon as she recovers, Hetty figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well look her best. So she stays in the hospital and has a face life, liposuction, Botox â?? the works.


But tragedy strikes just as Hetty is leaving the hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car. When Hetty arrives in front of God she asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years."


God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."




Here is why God gave the Jews the Ten Commandments:


God first went to the Canaanites and asked if they would like just one commandment from the Torah.


"What commandment?" they asked.


"Thou shalt not kill," replied God.


The Canaanites thought it over and said, "No thanks, we'll pass."


God then went to the Ishmaelites and asked if they would like just one commandment from the Torah.


"What commandment?" they asked.


"Thou shalt not steal!" thundered God.


"Are you crazy?" they replied. "No thanks."


So God finally went to the Jews and asked if they wanted one commandment.


"How much?" they asked.


"Uhâ?¦well, they're free," God replied.


"OK, we'll take ten."




After Adam was created, there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden. Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord paid him a visit.


"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier. I'm going to give you a companion, a helpmate for you â?? someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful and loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."


Adam was stunned. "That sounds incredible!"


"It is," replied the Lord, "but it doesn't come for free. It's going to cost you an arm and a leg."


"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"




Two five year old children, one Jewish and the other Catholic, are playing in the sandbox.


Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more than your rabbi!"


David replies, "Of course he does. You guys tell him everything!"




Two wasps buzz around what''s left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks wasp number one. "Not too good," says wasp two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."


The first wasp has an idea. "Hey, why don''t you go down the corner and hang a left? There''s a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Wasp two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.


An hour later, the wasps bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-wasp. "Great!" says buddy-wasp.


The first wasp peers at his pal and wonders, "What''s that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn''t want them to see that I was a WASP."


(OK, *that's* funny! -- SD)




Mr Jones comes to Fink's Drycleaners to have his clothes pressed. He brings them in and leaves. The next day he returns, and sees a sign that says, "My name is Fink, what do you think, I press clothes for nothing." So Jones picks up his clothes and starts to leave without paying.


Fink then stops Mr. Jones, "Sir, why didn't you pay me?"


In his defense, Jones says, "Your sign reads 'My name is Fink and what do you think, I press clothes for nothing.'"


Fink responds, "You must not be Jewish. You have to say it with the right intonation. It's like this: 'My name is Fink; What do you think: I press clothes for nothing????'"




An old Jew lives in an apartment building in an otherwise Catholic neighborhood where all adhere to the restriction of eating only fish on Fridays. Every Friday afternoon, however, the Jew bakes chicken for his Shabbos meal.


The tantalizing aroma week after week is too much for his Catholic neighbors. They convince the local priest to deliver an ultimatum to the Jew: either he convert to Catholicism and eat only fish on Fridays, or he has to move. The Jew agrees to convert. Three times the priest sprinkles holy water on him declaring: "Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic."


The ex-Jew's first Friday night as a Catholic comes around -- and the perfume of baking chicken wafts through the neighborhood. A neighborhood mob charges into the old man's apartment demanding,


"What's with the chicken? You're a Catholic now!"


He says, pointing to the roaster on the table, "That's no chicken; that's a fish."


"Who are you kidding!" they protest. "It's a chicken!"


The ex-Jew walks over to the sink, wets his hands, approaches the table and sprinkles the chicken three times, saying, "Born a chicken, raised a chicken, now a fish!"




OK, that's enough. All jokes certified Jewlarious by aish.com! More At the link.




Link to comment
Share on other sites

14. Forty years ago I sold fifty shares of my company stock and had enough money to purchase a brand-new 1967 Ford pickup.

Last week, I checked it out, and if I sold another fifty shares, Id have enough money to buy a 1967 Ford pickup. So, the market has stabilized


Link to comment
Share on other sites



Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.


Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does

NOT build its own nest?'


A: Sparrow


B: Thrush


C: Magpie


D: Cuckoo


I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.


'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'


'Are you sure?'


'I'm fookin sure.'


Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'


'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.'


There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'


The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.


'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?


'Because he lives in a Fookin clock.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...