thalenoi Posted November 28, 2003 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2003 GohoK said:I think a key point needs clarification here. Leaving the house and leaving the relationship are two very different intents. Was her intent to leave a leaving of the relationship for good? Or, was it a case of leaving temporarily, as in, "I am leaving this house until such a time as your son vacates it." Which one is it? I am not sure myself now, but since she mentionned "thanks for the nice two years with you" one would incline for "leaving for good" I do believe it was a threath though and Jasmina probably got it right, she would prefer marriage to solidify her relationship with me. Knowing the thais' need for security and a house being item number one (seems a house is preferred over a lump sum in case of death, I am a few decades older...) We had the house versus lump sum discussion over the last 6 months and that has been a cloud over our relationship. I have financial problems and not decided one way or the other. The gf is certainly missing a feeling of security and that son's thing has not improved on that. Besides that, we had 2 fantastic years together and I do not want to get our happiness jeopardised by the "needs" of my son. I find my son to be of the "dictator" type of personnality, getting very upset if he does not get what he planned. Easy to say he should fuck up and rent a place, that has been communicated more than once. Having an explanation with him is useless. He will pas by tomorrow however on his way to Bangkok coming from Phuket and I will have a (useless) talk with him. Btw, he is still occupying my house in farangland as well, he is 29 and should be living in his own dig. Also a message that does not pass. He should take control of his life and leave others in peace, but no human being can explain that to him. As for his job, he really got "only" 4 months off, he asked for 6. No real problem if he would plan to travel through South-East Asia and have a few stops at my place. Still pissed off :onfire: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 28, 2003 Report Share Posted November 28, 2003 Sorry to hear this crap is continuing. Well 29 is a 'magic' year and one is supposed to make major changes and new directions. Maybe he will fall in love and move in next door. Or he could just need an 'attitude adjustment'. Sure there are some of your fellow board members who would be willing to help in that regard. Hang in there mate. And don't worry, no one gets out of this life alive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasmine Posted November 28, 2003 Report Share Posted November 28, 2003 [color:"red"] I really can’t imagine such behaviour being accepted under any circumstances. Marriage is a big deal and people, in the cases mentioned – Thai women – should not play games with it. [/color] I agree with you wholeheartedly. A relationship is not a game and threatening should never has its place. However, I have met a few ex-BG who are quite extreme in their behavior, somehow some of them think that it is a good way to deal with Western men!!! :: Jasmine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasmine Posted November 28, 2003 Report Share Posted November 28, 2003 [color:"red"] I know, my mother-in-law often agrees with me when I have dispute with the misses. So now my wife doesn't call her mother anymore to get her opinion on it [/color] I conplained once in the younger days and my mother had no sympathy, she has always sided with Hubby You have a gem there for a mother in law. I don't side with my daughter either. Jasmine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 29, 2003 Report Share Posted November 29, 2003 THAIHOME said:"Talk of break-up over a small family matter is far too extreme" So you would consider house crashing for 4 months with his irresponsible friends a "small family matter"? Insulting his gf origins to his face a small family matter? What does the son need to do to make it a BIG family matter? Beat up the gf? TH My sentiments exactly. I have found this thread to be so interesting. There is though a tremendous difference here (culturally) in the deference given parents, isn't there? I wonder if it hasn't been (literally) painful for her to witness this son treat his father with such contempt, disdain and manipulation. She's witness to a fathers extreme lose of face, is she not? I feel great empathy for you as a father. But, were I in your shoes today, this would be the straw that broke the camels back. This insolent 'child' and he IS still a child, in his behaviors certainly would be evicted with extreme prejudice from BOTH houses. Pack up you bags, lock up the place for this 4 month duration, have a talk with her (going either with or without you) on a holiday to such place as he cannot find you. And give him a lesson in 'tough love' that he so desperately needs. Time for his 29 yr old childish self to grow up, get mature, and (very possbily) find some respect for his father. If it takes him 10 more years of being locked out then so be it; if he never gets there so be it. Last thought- To be enabling him to be the ball and chain around you must be very hard for her to witness. Are parents in Thai culture treated as doormats? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamui Posted November 29, 2003 Report Share Posted November 29, 2003 Thalenoi, please don't take it as an offence, but it seems that you have not been a father who was able to teach your son to live an independent life and to respect you at the same time. He is still living in your house back home. He does not know how to behave. You say he does neither listen to you nor is able to understand your point of view. He even does neither respect you nor your GF. It seems that you must have been a weak father since his youth that he was and still is able to play his games with you. Maybe it is time that you need to teach him your rules. He might not be able to understand you this time, but if you force him to do so (even if you need to make him leave your home in LOS) he might start to respect you in the long run. You have financial problems? Your future is at stake? Does he pay rent to you for living in your house in Europe? Your son has a job and should be able to care for himself. Why don't you ask him for rent or throw him out of your house and rent it out? (Of course this is only a vague speculation about your situation back in Europe based on the hints you gave in this thread) It seems that he is still dependent on you with 29 years and of course he does not want to listen to you since this would mean that he would need to learn to stand on his own feets in LOS and in at home. Sorry for being so harsh, but I presume it will be a hard lesson for him to learn, otherwise you will lose and he being back in Europe won't give a hoot (I am not sure is this is the right term) for you struggle in LOS. Good luck I seems that you should start to act as an real father.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJsushi Posted November 29, 2003 Report Share Posted November 29, 2003 Thalenoi, I think it is time to cut the purse strings and pacifier to your "ADULT" child. He is at that age where he should be able to make his own way in the world and there is no problem with you as a parent helping him out every now and then. Seems that you son has a sense of entitlement when it come to your financial support. Maybe it is time to set him on the correct path because if you don't he will eventually, if he is not already, be a millstone around your neck. You have already fulfilled your responsibilities of raising a child into an adult. As a father your role at this point should be love, friendship and support;not a private banker. Don't allow your good intentions and kindness be abused. We call it tough love in the States Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 29, 2003 Report Share Posted November 29, 2003 khunsanuk said:Oh, I fully agree, but tell that to them, as pretty much all the Thai women I know play these games, both bargirls and non-bargirls. Sanuk! Tell me you weren't serious when you wrote this! Or qualify it somehow, otherwise, you'll rob me of my last hope for marital bliss I'm affraid. :: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khunsanuk Posted November 29, 2003 Report Share Posted November 29, 2003 Hi, Yes, totally serious I am afraid. The girlfriend of a friend of mine has just finished her Master's Degree, and has already threatened to kill herself several times. I think at one point my friend had to kick in a door. And all just to make him show how much he loves her and cares about her. So, no, it's not just bargirls, or girls from the 'lower classes'. Sanuk! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThaiHome Posted November 29, 2003 Report Share Posted November 29, 2003 "So, no, it's not just bargirls, or girls from the 'lower classes'." Or even just Thai women for that matter. TH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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