Jump to content

Any New Jokes


Recommended Posts

The latest version:



[color:red]Why did the chicken cross the road?[/color]



BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!


JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. That experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. That chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


DICK CHENEY: Where's my shotgun?


COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of 'chicken'?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken.


JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the

road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the



NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.


JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you too will become gay. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.


GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


BILL GATES: I have just released EChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of EChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash ....... reboot.


ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?


COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


So what did Sarah Palin say Flash?

Us Alaskans see chickens crossing the road in Russia everyday?


Link to comment
Share on other sites

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican to see the Pope.


Grumpy leads the pack.


'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'


Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?â??


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.â??


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?â??


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europeâ??.


'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'


'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.


Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.


Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love.


Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.


Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'


His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.......but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites


[color:blue]Retirement Plan Investment Tip[/color]



If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.


With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.


With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.


If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.


But if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank it all, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink heavily and recycle.


[color:blue]THIS IS CALLED THE 401-KEG PLAN.[/color]











Link to comment
Share on other sites

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.




One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'


I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'


So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...


'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'


She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'


Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.


The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'


We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.


I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all

Dear, let's go to the cashier.'


I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'


Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'


I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'


And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'


Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.







Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...