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Fleeing Liberals




The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.


The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.


"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh."


In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.


"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."


Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.


"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet though."


When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture. In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.


Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.


"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.


Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art history and English majors does one country need?"



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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.

One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If Iâ??m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.

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[color:blue]The UK version:[/color]




If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95.


With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.


£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.


But ... if you had bought £1000 worth of Tennentâ??s Lager one year ago, drank it all and then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.


Based on these statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle!



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Little Guy at the Bar

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink

for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps

next to him, grabs his drink gulps it down in one swig and

then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, "What

cha gonna do about it?? "


The poor little guy starts crying."Come on, man I was just giving you a hard time", the biker says.

I didn't think you'd CRY. I cant stand to see a man crying. This

is the worst day of my life, says the little guy between sobs.


I cant do anything right. I over slept and was late to an important

meeting so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,

I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I

left my wallet in the cab I took home.


I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying

to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison

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5 5 5 5 5




Bloody brilliant!


Reminds me of the worst day in my life years ago - I was a printer - everything that could go wrong went wrong - awful day - about 3pm I went and locked the front door and waved the white flag - I was though!


I ran across the road to send a urgent package to a customer - my only memento of my father (dead) was a ink fountain pen - it fell out and was run over by the taxi I flagged down.


I went back to the shop - left a note I was off to drink beer.


At the bar in comes this young kid we used to look after, in tears - turns out she was 16 and thinking she was pregnant.


FARK - (Not to me) begs me to take her to a abortion clinic (illegal) go back to the shop - get my car but the battery is flat!


Have to get the gay hairdresser - me and the maybe pregnant 16 year old to push start the car.


Drive to a doddgy doctor who makes me come in and watch (Last thing I want to do) the kid is crying - last thing she wants is me watching!


He tells me I am a irresponsible arsehole - she pregnant and it's all my fault and to pay for the "correction" now.


Little bitch agrees with him - FARK - IT'S not my kid!!


I pay the $50 - something is done - no idea what - she and I go to a bar and get drunk.


Wives call the bar looking for me (I was such a regular) The bar owner tells them I am with a 16 year old girl I had knocked up and now forced to get a abortion




Wives show up - comfort 16 year old girl - treat me like shit and I stay at pub till they throw me out.


Farkin awful day.


Girl went on to become a famous dancer - still laughs at me about my "worst Day Ever" and only says "When the doctor had to blame someone - I was scared so said it was you - sorry"


Bitch never even bought a beer

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Little Johnny arrives home from school and there is grandma sitting on the lounge fast asleep.


To his surprise she has her legs spread apart, knickers around her ankles and her dress pulled up.


Johnny races into his mother in the kitchen


"Mummy mummy grandma is asleep on the lounge and she has her legs spread apart and her dress pulled up and she's got a big oyster between her legs"


"Now now Johnny" says his mother

"That's not an oyster that's Grandma's genital"


To which Johnny replies "Well it sure tastes like and oyster"



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