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A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.


On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar

but less serious state.



The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,

the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.



The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the

highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him

that "Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved."



He yelled back that "Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left

wing labour dick-head who knows bugger all about running the country."


So I said, "Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,

mean-spirited lesbian!"


He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard "


"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands,

When a f...ing truck hit us!"



Hey! This is a rewrite of an old VN War joke about LBJ and HCM. :)




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A newly discovered manuscript containing a missing chapter of the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?' :


Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'


And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'


And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.


And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.


And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'


And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.


And they were comforted.


And God was pleased.


And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a time, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'


And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'


And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.


And Adam and Eve learned humility.


And they were greatly improved.


And God was pleased


And Dog was happy.


And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.



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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.


They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.


After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.


She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.


It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.


Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So they buried Debbie.



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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.


When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'


He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.


So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.


This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

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Scottish logic


A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas and

says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother

and I am divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you

call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'


Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.. 'Like

hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT

getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling

my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do

a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,

'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'




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