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This thread is so long, don't know if this joke is up here:


What's the difference between a queer and a refrigerator?




A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.





What does a Thai have in common with billiard que ball?





The harder you hit them, the better the English.




What do you get when you cross a Thai boss with a Sicilian mobster?




Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

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Southern Thinking





The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.


He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'


The secretary thought a moment, then replied,'Everything but my earrings.'





A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.


'Where's Henry?' the others asked.


'Henry died of a heart attack. He's a couple of miles back on the trail.'


'You mean left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they said.


'It was a tough call, all right' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one's goin' to steal Henry.'





A senior at LSU was overheard to say, 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.'


When asked why, she replied she'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than it does in the rest of the civilized world.





The young man came running into a store and yelled excitedly at his buddy. 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from out front!'


Bubba asked, 'Did you see who it was?


'Nope. I couldn't see the driver, but I got his license number.'





A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.


The trooper said, 'Got any ID?'


The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'





A man in Little Rock had a flat tire. He pulled onto the side of the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and another one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.


A stranger drove by and was curious. He turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.


The man said, 'I've got a flat.'


The stranger asked, 'So what's with the flowers?'


The Arkansan said, 'Well, when you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Never did understand it neither.'



p.s. You can say what you want about the South,

but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring and moving North! :)




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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.


A sign read: 'Don't Miss the Amazing Scotsman'.


The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.


There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.


Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss the Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!


He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!


Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. 'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman.


'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'


'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'My eyes aren't whit they used tae be.'

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A virgin white girl gets married to a black guy and she's rather nervous about the wedding night as she's heard that black men are better endowed than white men.


She explains this to her husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his willy, bit by bit.


The wife lies in bed and sees three inches come round the door.


"Are you nervous yet?" says her husband.


"No, Iâ??m OK" she replies.


Another three inches comes around the door and he says "Are you still OK?"


"Yes" she replies.


A further six inches comes around the door and she says "Iâ??m still not nervous".


"OK," her husband replies, "Iâ??m coming up the stairs now."

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Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to a par three with a beautiful lake guarding the green.


Moses tees up and smacks one right into the lake. He raises his arms, parts the lake, finds his ball and hits it onto the green.


Jesus tees off next and hits it into the lake. He walks across the water, his ball floats up to the surface of the lake, and he hits it onto the green.


Next up is the old geezer. Smacks his ball right towards the lake, but as itâ??s going in, a fish jumps up and snags the ball just as a pelican swoops down and snags the fish.


A bolt of lightning hits the pelican who drops the fish onto the green and the ball falls into the hole.


Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Bloody hell, Dad, can't you play golf like everyone else?"

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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.


I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!


I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.


I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.


The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?


The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.


Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?




A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.


My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

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