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i don't think Mekomg was suggesting you stole jokes from his e-mail inbox.

just that you have posted old jokes.


but nothing wrong with an old joke,the oldies are very often golden.

and before you have a go at me for not posting any jokes please don't.

i have no idea of how to remember or tell a joke.

i watch comedians and 10 Mins later have no memory of anything that was said.


but i like to read or hear a good joke........... :thumbup:

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A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.


On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar

but less serious state.



The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,

the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.



The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the

highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him

that "Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved."



He yelled back that "Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left

wing labour dick-head who knows bugger all about running the country."


So I said, "Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,

mean-spirited lesbian!"


He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard "


"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands,

When a f...ing truck hit us!"

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Torneyboy received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if he was still around. They lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times they used to enjoy together.


TB couldn't believe it when she asked if he'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. 'Wow!' He was flabbergasted.


'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', he said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'


She just giggled and said she was sure he would 'rise to the challenge'.


'Yeah.' he said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'


She laughed and told him to stop being so silly. She teased him saying that tubby grey haired older men were cute, and she was sure he would still be a great lover.


Anyway, she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'


So he told her to fuck off.


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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at five hundred for a hand-job."

Guy says, "five hundred dollars! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"


"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"


"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"


"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, own them because I give a hand-job that's worth five hundred."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of 500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is 1,000?"

The hooker replies, "1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of 1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"


No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

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Economic Models explained with Cows- 2008 update






You have 2 cows.


You give one to your neighbour.






You have 2 cows.


The State takes both and gives you some milk.






You have 2 cows.


The State takes both and sells you some milk.






You have 2 cows.


The State takes both and shoots you.






You have 2 cows.


The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...






You have two cows.


You sell one and buy a bull.


Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.


You sell them and retire on the income.






You have two giraffes.


The government requires you to take harmonica lessons






You have two cows.


You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.


Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.






You have two cows.


You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.


The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.


The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.


You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.


No balance sheet provided with the release.


The public then buys your bull.






You have two cows.


You shred them.






You have two cows.


You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.






You have two cows.


You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.


You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.






You have two cows.


You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.






You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.


You decide to have lunch.






You have two cows.


You count them and learn you have five cows.


You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.


You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.


You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.






You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.


You charge the owners for storing them.






You have two cows.


You have 300 people milking them.


You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.


You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.






You have two cows.


You worship them.






You have two cows.


Both are mad.






Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.


You tell them that you have none.


No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.


You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....






You have two cows.


The one on the left looks very attractive.






You have two cows.


Business seems pretty good.


You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,


"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."


The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.


The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.


Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"


The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."


"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.


There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.


Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.


"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien? "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"


The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

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A little boy asks his dad where Poo comes from,


Dad explains that food passes down the oesophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes introduce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as Poo.


Blimey says the little boy, so where the fuck does Tigger come from?

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Boy comes home with a big smile on his face, says hi mum hi dad guess what, i just had sex for the first time.


Dad says thats great son to celebrate i'll buy you that bike you wanted but you will have to wait till pay day.


Son says. Thats ok dad my arse is too sore to ride it anyway

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