Any New Jokes

[CTO]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

 

The father thought for a moment, then answered:

 

1. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then,

 

2. Go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then,

 

3. Go ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

 

Come back and then tell me what you learned.

 

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

 

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great Un iversity!'

 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

The brother replied. 'Of course I would! Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'

 

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

 

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

 

The boy replied, 'Yes!'

 

'Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars',

 

 

'Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo'

[cavanami]

Long one...

 

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

 

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno

 

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

 

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

 

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

 

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

 

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

 

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno

 

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno

 

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's

 

New Stock Market Terms

 

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

 

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

 

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

 

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

 

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

 

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

 

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

 

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

 

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

 

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

 

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

 

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

 

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

 

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

 

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

 

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

 

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

 

[Bangkoktraveler]

Do you plan on visiting Bangkok?

[CTO]

Sincere Apologies To Everyone,

 

Over the past months I have forwarded funny pictures and jokes to

friends who I thought shared the same sense of humour.

 

Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few

people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one

of these people, please accept my humblest apologies.

 

From now on I will only send emails with a cultural or educational

content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting structures.

 

Attached, you'll find a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris .....

 

For those of you who are interested, Pont Neuf is the oldest bridge in

Paris and took 26 years to build. Construction began in 1578 and ended

in 1604. "Le Pont Neuf" is actually made of 2 independent bridges, one

with seven arches and the other with five arches.

 

Fascinating.

[CTO]

nICE bRIDGE

[Man at Work]

Good one

[The_Munchmaster]

CTO, you are shallow and sexist!

[CTO]

Why thank you - you big sweaty man you!

[Torneyboy]

We could all use some good jokes right now :thumbup:

[CTO]

Perils of a Catholic Upbringing

 

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

 

 

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

 

 

 

Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

 

 

 

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

 

 

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

 

 

A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I did.

 

 

 

 

I won't be at Mass this week.