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A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot for young lovers.


He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing so he carefully approaches to get a closer look.


Inside he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.


The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, officer?' The cop says: 'What are you doing?' The young man says: 'Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine.' Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?' The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater.'


Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!


The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?' The young man says 'I'm 22, sir.'


The cop asks: 'And her... what's her age?' The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 16 in 11 minutes.'

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A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.


"I'm sorry," St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an entrance exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."


"That's cool" said the blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?" "Just three questions" said St Peter. "Which are?" asked the blonde.


"The first," said St Peter "is which two days of the week start with the letter T? The second is â??How many seconds are there in a year? And the third is â??What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?


"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me." So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.


The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have." "Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?" The blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow." St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.


"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, "How many seconds in a year?" The Blonde replied, "Twelve". "Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?" "Easy," said the blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, and right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds".


St Peter looked at the blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.


A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?" The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this

the easiest to answer." "Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?" "It's Andy". "Andy??" "Yes, Andy," said the blonde.


This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?" "Easy" said the blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled."


And the blonde entered Heaven...

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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne .


One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.


Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and geta buzz. You wanna try it?'


So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.




Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'


Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'


Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'


Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'


' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'


'What's that?'


'Have you farted yet?'




'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth '

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.


He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'


Paddy handed his drink back and said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

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Two Blondes With Hammers...


Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.


Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.


Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'


Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'


Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!






Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?


They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'





You might have to think twice about this one.


A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.


'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.


'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'


'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'


'So then?' asked the doctor.


'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'


'So then?'


'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.




A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.


The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.


So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing in to her tailpipe.

Nothing happened.

So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.


Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'


The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.


The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'







A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.


The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'


'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.


Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?


'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.


Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'


The blonde replied..... ...'Two icecreams and some coffee.'








A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'


The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'


The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'


'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'


The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.

A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.

He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.


'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.


'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

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Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong,

Under the shade of a coolibah tree,

And he sang and he watched and he waited 'til his billy boiled

"Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda, with me?"

Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda

Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda, with me


Yes, but what does this all mean :dunno:


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