Any New Jokes

[Mekong]

i am sure the Yorkshireman I work with is Dyslexic, he came to work today wearing a cat flap

[Flashermac]

A car full of Irish nuns was sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside of them.

 

"Show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks.

 

Quite shocked, the Mother Superior turned to Sister Mary Immaculata and said, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

 

Sister Mary Immaculata rolled down her window and shouted, "Piss off, ya fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

 

She rolled up the window, looked back at the Mother Superior, and asked, "Did I sound cross enough?"

[My Penis is hungry]

She said that with an American accent, you sure she was Irish?

[Flashermac]

[Flashermac]

[Coss]

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl.

 

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

 

But she did.

[Coss]

Studies have shown that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

 

For example, if a woman's ovulating she'll be attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.

 

If, however, she is menstruating, she is more likely to be attracted to a man with scissors jammed into his eyes and a baseball bat shoved up his arse.

[Coss]

Americans are calling the tornado that killed over 90 people in Oklahoma an act of God.

 

I call choosing to live in a place nicknamed "Tornado Alley," an act of stupidity.

[Mekong]

AN AUSSIE, KIWI & A YARPIE

 

An Australian, a Kiwi and a Yarpie are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

 

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

 

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South Arican and Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Australia we have somany bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with

the same ones twice."

 

 

(The joke would mean more to me if it was a an Aussie a Ruskie and a Yarpie, my boss is Aussie, one guy is a Ruskie noe based in Australia and the Other is a Yarpie now based in in UK)

[bust]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

 

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:

"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food

and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and

keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."