Relation with a bargirl

[Guest lazyphil]

ok daddyo!

[ABCinBK]

There have been studies done on prostitution's effects on the sex worker, but they don't apply directly to the Thai bargirl which isn't like the simple pay/screw/leave with no illusion scenario you find in brothels and Western pros.

 

You have some pretty biased ones out there which are very feminist or anti-prostitution directed at Thai bargirls as the subjects, but if you don't want a debate on the pros and cons of marrying a bargirl, then those books won't do much for you.

 

I was with a BG for almost 5 years, married for almost 4 years. I found out she had a married bf on the side for almost 2.5 of those years.

 

She was the class super jealous kind with no real experience with relationships, but thought she knew something because of her profession (sex and relationship experience are not the same thing...most bargirls lack the second, at least when it comes to successful relationships with men). What I learned is that I should have judged whether there was a chance with my ex the same way I had decided whether a relationship with any Western girl....avoid the classic red flags ---- major personal insecurities, lack of experience in life and relationships, emotional immaturity/instability, and bad family background and/or list of broken relationships (whoever was at fault) in her past. All of these things create major baggage.

 

How did I convince myself it was worth continuing and marrying her? Past the emotions, I rationalized it by thinking if she was sincere and committed, it could still work. And I thought I could guide her where it was needed (though I didn't really like doing that and some would say I didn't set enough boundaries).

 

What I re-learned and always knew in dating experiences in the West was that committment or sincerity (even when geniune) is at best very shaky when it comes to less mature and personally unstable people.

 

A lot of guys will simply point out the big problem that most or all bargirls are just after money. Well, there are VERY RARE exceptions, and it's up to you to figure out if you found one of those situations.

 

However, I would suggest even if you have that you need to judge whether to marry this girl the same way you would decide with a Western lady....avoid the nutters and emotionally troubled...most therapists will tell you that when you get into a relationship with an unbalanced person, you end up messed up, you do not fix them.

 

Can it work? Yes, I think it can. I'm pretty sure even now that it could have worked with me and my ex, but due to things I could have done even with her shortcomings but did not, it ended exactly the way it should have given her personal issues coming into the relationship. The big thing that made me believe it could have worked is that in her own way (not exactly the way a normal person would define it) she believed she truly did have love for me. If that's not there, don't waste your time, but I'm guessing you already believe your have this with/from your gf. But just like in the West, don't make the mistake so many guys do in LOS and forget that love (wherever you find it) does not mean a successful marriage...Thailand or America, too many people forget you are still dealing with a man, a woman, and all the crap that makes most of them break up eventually.

 

 

If you want to try and use your experience and stability to try and guide her and make it work, I think it can work.

 

I've seen quite a few people on the Thai-Falang board that have made it work, and some are married to ex-BGs....but it's rare and the odds are drastically against you....

[Mekong]

ok daddyo!

 

Nice reply, I like peeps with a sense of humour and dont take this board personal!

[cavanami]

Time for a poll?

How many have married or are having a long term relationship with an Ex-BG?

Can pick up to three answers.

 

[CTO]

Cav - why for the non-married only choice is on/off? Mabe some have one as a girlfriend it worked and that's where its at?

 

Maybe some had a girlfriend, worked, then stopped,

 

 

[bust]

How come you haven't included still working and happy in a relationship option...

 

Or only works occasionally when she needs a new pair of shoes option.

[WorldFun]

hmm noone so far?

 

how about married a bitch in the west & divirced?

[HSTEACH]

Nice reply ABC...

[Old Hippie]

I would ask the question "How do you really know you are in a solid relationship?" As ABC points out, he thought he was, until he found out about his Wife's BF on the side...

 

Most of the guys I know who married bar girls have no idea how bad their wives are lieing to them until it is too late. Many live in denial, or just ignore the obvious.

[torrenova]

I've got a couple more points here.

 

There is usually great debate about how long they can work in the game before they become so screwed up that getting them out is only a recipe for disaster. Well I think there are a few salient points here.

 

If you meet her after she has only been working a short time and then get her out, you have to deal with the issue of why she got into the game in the first place.

 

For sure, some come into it out of sheer necessity but the majority do it for the thrill, to get away from the restrictions of their home life, are tempted into it by the Dick Whittington lies (that the streets are paved with gold), are co-erced by friends or relatives or are just too damn lazy to get an honest job or live on a low salary.

 

Age here is a major factor. Too young and they are just that, too immature. They will not realise what they have and they will be tempted back into the game.

 

If they have worked the bar a long time you have to consider why they have not taken one of the exit options which surely must have presented themselves to the girls over the years. Remember the old adage that if no-one else wants her they you should be very wary. Perhaps others have been burned by her previously.

 

Gold diggers and the blatantly greedy should just be left alone. Period. As should any flaky or drug addled ones. Even alkies should be avoided.

 

I don't mind throwing in a bit of personal expereince here to hopefully fill in some gaps. Now I've been over what happened with my ex in this thread already but I'll expand as I think it relevant.

 

Long before I met my ex her family was moderately successful. The father had a business which made jeans employing by all accounts quite a number of machinists and others in a small factory. Competition from China drove the business down and after his early death the business folded.

 

An elder sister, already with a number of kids went to work in Pattaya in a soapy. I have no knowledge of her transition. She eventually hooked a guy, very nice guy as it happens and had a kid with him. My ex went to the same soapie when she was late 20 or 21 years old.

 

As explained, she had been working a few months when she met me and after a while she quit. She openly stated that she went because her sister had gone before her. She had however finished school to a reasonble level and spoke good english. Prior jobs had been in sales but none had provided much of an income or to be honest, much of a life probably (in terms of excitement).

 

Had I met her before she entered the scene then I think we would still be together. Had I met her perhaps a year or two later then I think we would still be together. Had i met her, married her and taken her outside Thailand then I think we would still be together.

 

What screwed it up was the limited time in the scene and our living in Pattaya. Her friends were largely the ones from the soapy and mostly good girls who I liked. Not one of them greedy, just girls getting by. The problems came when a couple of girls came back from abroad after playing the scene in Hong Kong and Singapore. These were far more hardened girls who flaunted their "success" and turned the heads of the impressionable. My ex was one.

 

Looking back, she was too young to be looking for a husband but would have taken one, me, if we had been able to leave Thailand and she could have done her final bit of growing up say back in the UK. A while later she was probably looking for her exit route after discovering that even Hong Kong and Singapore are not as attractive as the girls make out. Most fail to make any serious money.

 

So were I single and it happened again, I would be looking at not only the reasons why she entered the game but also her age and the time she had been in P4P. In my case, my knowledge today would point me in the direction that she was indeed looking to emulate her sister and find a guy and if I wanted to be that guy then I should be prepared to get her away from the temptations offered by her ex coleagues.

 

I didn't know that then but do now. It is far more complex than just one or two reasons why they do what they do. If they are one dimentional then leave them alone but if you can get through to what is really driving them then you stand a chance but only if you can cope with the baggage and sometimes the only way to do that is to get them the hell away from the place you found them. Add a few years and they themselves may have grown up enough to make the decision that what they have on offer in front of them is a damn good package and it sure beats going back to the workhouse.

 

One final thing here is that I firmly believe that when they start out and they are the sort of girl who is looking for a guy, then they still want to combine it all with love. Later on, when perhaps a couple of chances have come and gone for whatever reason, they will accept a package without love and merely security.

 

If you are in the process of being that guy, then I hope it is for real love and not just for her security. For perhaps that reason alone, long timers will less likely foot the bill.